When everything falls
by jodii bliss
Summary: New moon - Bella didn't have Jacob lean on; so she fell into the world of sex and hardcore drugs. Soon her once perfect world shatters & a man who she least expects to be there for her during her downward spiral is one who fixes everything -
1. Chapter 1

Anyone who's ever dealt with drugs before would understand where i'm coming from.  
I used it to escape, get the fuck away from reality - so to speak. Mainly because of what _he _did. That fucking bastard.  
I still couldn't even speak his name, how pathetic. But anyways, back to the drugs. I never thought me Bella Swan, the good girl with straight A's would ever  
get mixed up with that shit. But i did. And i fucking loved it..at the time.

I became a home wrecking slut, for a fix. I would give a blow job for a dub and some fries.  
Charlie kicked me out when he caught me shooting up and I down right refused to see a "therapist"

I lived on the streets moving from friend to friend. Shit, i was so desperate i even lived with Mike Newton for a few months  
But i wouldn't fuck him even if i was popping some pills. - so he kicked me out.

Hell, in these pass five years i even got married. To a man twice as old as me, his name was Daniel he was 48 and a doctor  
I loved him because he bought me pretty things.

But then he told me he was gay and made me sign a divorce paper. So i sold all his shit and got myself a nice apartment where  
i would smoke, snort, and vibe.

So here i was know twenty three years old. Jobless, broke, and emptied out of drugs.

"You still no pay rent" The old Chinese man yelled, waving an angry finger at me.

"Chill out grandpa, im tryin' okay?"

"No! I'm not yo grandpa! No try! No try hard enough! You find somewhere to stay! No here!"

he jabbed a wrinkly finger to the door, and tapped on a piece of paper with red writing.

"You're evicting me?!" I said in disbelief.

"Ya! Now you get your shit and joo leave, Understand? You leave!" he walked away mumbling to himself.

"Son of a fucking bitch" I groaned as i opened my front door and slammed it shut.

I grabbed my medium sized duffel bag and began throwing all my important shit into it.

Pipe, bong, underwear, shirts, pants, shampoo, Dutch masters, my last bottle of Vodka. Which i would need tonight.

I pulled out a cigarette and took in a deep puff, well wasn't my life just shit?

I jumped when a hand banged loudly on my door three times "hurry and get your American ass out of my hotel!"

I wasn't at the least racist but i was really begging to despise China men.

"Kay" I screamed and bashed open the door, i threw my bag over my shoulder and smiled sweetly at him.

"Thanks for the free stay"

* * *

As i started walking the streets, a horrible feeling erupted into my chest. I was alone.  
And i couldn't handle being alone anymore. the fact of this grew on me faster than it had been growing in the past few years.

Abruptly an glint of hope sparked through me, and i whistled down a cab.

"How ya doin' little lady?" The man had a thick Jamacian accent.

"Great man, just fucking splendid. Uhm i need you to take me to 117 northwest Klorkial street, please. As fast as you can"

"Alright no problem man, we'll be there in a jiffy"

I stared out the window, remembering how everything use to be. I had changed to much these past years- and not for the better.  
Finally i was hoping i could push myself to get back on track. I wonder what _he_ would think if _he_ knew all the shit i've done. If _he_ knew i wasn't a virgin anymore  
If _he_ knew i had sex for drugs, if _he_ knew all the crazy, awful things i did.

He would surely be disgusted. Why did i even care? All his love was a lie anyways.  
This was my life now. - there was no use in dreaming of what could have been. That i could have stayed with Edward * wince* and i could have become  
a vampire and stayed by his side forever. I never would have disappointed my parent, i would have never had to see the face of pure sorrow on my father's  
face when he figured out all the horrible things i did behind his back. never have to hear Renee say those painful words that i remembered by heart.

_"You are not Bella...This is not you. You're not my daughter. You have become a monster"_

My heart couldn't let me feel pain at her words when they were said, that was the beauty of heroin, coke, meth. Whatever it was you were on  
That pain did not exist - but when it wore off. I cried 50,000 tears and more over that sentence.

"--LADY! WHERE HERE!" I loud roar, broke me out of my revere.

"Sor-Sorry" I jumped out, and thrusted the twenty bucks into his hands.

"Yea, yea. Good day lady"

He drove off, and i turned to face an all too familiar house.

I sighed, and walked up the steps, slightly remembering walking up these same ones as a child.  
The days I had all my shit together, the blissful years when everything was just so..._simple _

I raised my hand to knock on the door, but then bit my lip.  
He would turn me away, - he would yell at me and tell me how terrible I was and slam the door in my face.

Suddenly the door burst open, and a bald, sick, frail looking man stood there leaning on the door frame.

"Daddy?"

* * *

** this story just got stuck in my head & i just had to write it.**

**tell me if you like it - sorry if it sucks  
**


	2. bad news & moving on

The man did not look like my father. But it was him. A sheen of sweat covered him and he was lanky, and definitely sick - very sick.  
His eyes were drawn in with deep black circles surrounding them. His white, cracked lips were curving into a small and obviously painful smile.

"Bella" His voice was hoarse as he reached out a long skinny, pale arms towards me to grab me into a hug.

I was almost afraid to hug him back, thinking he might turn into dust in my grasp.

"Dad..What's wrong..what happened?"

He ignored my question fully "Come, come inside."

He turned his back and half walked half limped into the living room, and sat himself down with a loud huff.  
He turned his gaze to me and stared for a few moments, his mouth opened but no words were uttered.

Finally after a long silent few minutes, i spilled my heart out. "Dad, i'm so sorry for all the things i did. They were terrible, awful  
I'm so ashamed of everything i have done. I know you hate me but I was hoping somehow, someway you could forgive me"

"Oh, Bella. Of course i forgive you. There's nothing you could do that would make me hate you"

He quickly pulled out handkerchief and coughed into it. He looked down into it, an almost embarrassed look crossed his features.  
An i could see splashes of blood, splattered across the white embroidery.

I moved closer to him "Dad, you're sick. What's is it?"

"Ah, well. I don't want to burden you, why don't we go out for something to eat, huh?...we'll catch up.  
C'mon, lets go"

I sighed, but let him have his way.

We ended up going down to a small new restaurant that opened up. It was called Luna, and had some of the best food i've eaten since...a long ass time.

Charlie told me that Jacob went off to college in California and was planning to get married, Billy had gone to physical therapy and would soon not  
be needing his wheel chair, Also that Sue's husband passed away and i could tell that Charlie had feelings for Sue the way he spoke her name.

He told me how she had been taking care of him for the last few months - but he still left out what his illness was.  
He then told me that Renee had taken up on art, and was now making paintings for a small Museum in London.

Philip had finally given up his dream of making it big at Baseball and settled down to teach a minor league team  
for a local elementary school.

I then reluctantly told him small details of what I've been up to these few years "I'm off everything dad, I'm really trying hard now to get everything back in  
order, i'm planning to get my GED and find a nice college that i can get into."

He smile, and said "I'm proud of you Bella, I've seen and witness people falling into that crowd and never seeing the surface again.  
I'm glad that you were able to make it through."

I smiled back at him, "thanks dad...really, it means a lot to me"

He patted my shoulder and sighed, "Well, I've been putting this off for long enough...mine as well just come out and say it"

He held my breath, my fist already clutching into a tight fist.

"I'm sick Bells, real sick"

_I know that_ I felt like shouting _But what kind of sick_?! But i but my lip, and held my tongue - waiting for him to continue.

"I have pancreatic cancer"

He said it so calmly, like he was re-reading me the morning paper.

I could already feel warm tears falling down my cheeks "What?! How long--when did you find out?"

"Mm long few months back. Most people don't make it as long as me. So I'm lucky"

"LUCKY?" I shouted in disbelief, "Dad, how could this be happening? How long...How long did they give you?"

"They said i have a few weeks left, Bella honey. Please don't over react. I'm okay with this...really.  
I'm just glad that i get to make amends with you before i go...It makes me happy to see you getting better"

"you're okay with this? How can you be okay with dying? Dad, i can't have you die, not now" my voice broke, twice. And i felt on the verge of sobs.

"Yes, i' am okay with dying. there's nothing to be afraid of. It's the way life is, you live and then you die the sooner you figure out the way things  
work the easier it'll be. Just know sweetie, that even though i may not be here in person. I'll be here for you. Kay? Just know that"

All i could do was nodd my head, but everything inside me was screaming. I had just gotten my Father back. And now i was going to loose him.


	3. surprises

_I enjoy reviews; so leave me some ;p_

**ALSO **I'm not sure on who I want Bella to end up with.

Here are my three choices though.

-Edward....

-Emmett.

- Or Jacob.

* * *

_I was walking in my meadow, the sun unusually strong that day. I spun around, embracing the beauty of being back somewhere so familiar, so beautiful  
"Silly Bella" An angelic voice laughed. I turned around to find who had spoken to see a person who held the beauty of any God. His soft lips were curved into a smile  
Abruptly, the angel grabbed my hand and walked us back into the meadow. And the second the bright sunlight touched his skin, beautiful sparkles shone off it.  
His skin looked as if it were made of pure diamonds. The boy suddenly and almost to quickly for my eyes to catch sat on the grass holding himself up on his elbows.  
__he motioned his hand, for me to come closer. I immediately obeyed not wanting to waste a minute of his company.  
I tried to keep a personal distance between us, but failed miserably._ _I couldn't help my hands as they outlined the perfect features of his face. He was beautiful._

_Suddenly, his right arm snaked around my waist, and he leaned in. Capturing my lips in a sweet kiss. That soon grew passionate, hard. For a moment I did not like  
the way he was kissing me, it was to quick and rough. He kissed me as if he wasn't going to see me again. The idea of that shattered my heart.  
I had already given my whole heart to this angel. I gave up my whole entire being. Mind, body and soul was his to keep. _

_I opened my eyes, to find no one there, bewildered I cried out to the angel. But he had disappeared, just as swiftly as he came.  
there was no trace of him left, no evidence that he even existed. Only of the echo of the two words he spoke, in a voice to beautiful to be human.  
I frantically looked around the meadow, everything was fading. The sun was no longer shinning, dark clouds took its place.  
And the once magical meadow was now dull and lifeless. All the beauty that was once here left along with the angel. And I knew, at that priciest moment. He was never coming back.  
All the happiness and joy was swiped from my life and out of my grasp. There was nothing left to live for. All because of him._

_Slowly all the compassion i held for the angel was turning into regret. I cried out his name once more a pathetic and useless attempt for him to come back  
I already gave him my all. I gave him my whole damn life. And he just left with it all._

_"_Edward!" I gasped. Jumping out of bed, my hand clutching my heart.

I sighed, and curled on the bed. In an almost fetal position, trying to hold myself together. Because it felt as if I were about to fall into pieces.

I turned my head to look at my alarm clock Charlie had bought for me when I was turning into a "teenager"

"Trust me Bells" He had said. "When you're a teen, you need all the help in the world when it comes to waking up"

I smiled slightly at the memory, the clock read 5:09. I decided I better just get up, because I couldn't take another dream with _him_ in it.

I walked outside of my room, to a wonderful smell. It was smell that got any smoker to start smelling around like a hound dog trying to sniff out  
where it was coming from.

I almost ran down stairs, and saw Charlie - of ALL people. With a pipe and lighter in hand.

"OH! Bells what on Earth are you doing awake?" He looked startled but not at all ashamed.

"I- I had a bad dream but...what are you - what..." I could barely even talk, I was just here stammering like an idiot.

"it's medical marijuana. It helps with the pain." he explained, smiling.

"Oh, yea of course..uhhh" Feeling awkward i walked into the kitchen, grabbing a small coffee mug i poured some water into it.  
And turned my attention back to Charlie.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I wondered aloud.

And he frowned. "Well- i didn't want to make things hard on you, you know since you said you're off everything"

"Oh Dad, don't worry about me I'm fine" I smiled reassuringly at him.

And he laughed "Well I'm just lucky Dr. Cullen was able to prescribe me some - if not I'd be a whole lot worse"

The water i was just getting ready to swallow - I spit out, coughing.

"What?!"

"Yea -" Charlie bit his lip, as if he accidentally told me a secret he never intended on letting me in on "Yea they moved back a year ago"

"All of them" I whispered, I could already feel myself shaking.

"Yes - Dr. Cullen asked about you."

It was like i couldn't get the words out fast enough. "What did you say?"

"I told him all that i knew Bella - please don't be mad. I told him you got caught up with bad drugs and the last I heard about you, you were getting married  
Dr. Cullen looked sad, and told me he wishes to see you. Quote on quote he said he missed his daughter."

Tears filled my eyes "Yea. I miss him too"


	4. Authors note mo'fo

**I've decided to go with Emmett.

* * *

**

he got the most votes (: & plus i love writing about him  
He's my favorite character.


	5. the reunion

_"I told him all that i knew Bella - please don't be mad. I told him you got caught up with bad drugs and the last I heard about you, you were getting married  
Dr. Cullen looked sad, and told me he wishes to see you. Quote on quote he said he missed his daughter."_

_Tears filled my eyes "Yea. I miss him too"_

"Dad, I'm really tired" I lied "I'm going back to bed"

I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Alright Bells, see you... when it's not so early"

i walked numbly upstairs and the second, I shut my door behind me, the waterworks began. So _all_ of the Cullen's were back?  
They all know I'm a married drug addict? Or _was_ a married drug addict?

Half of me was drowning in dread, while the other half was walking on water. I had missed my best friend, my second set of parents, my brothers.  
Shit, I even missed Rosalie - and her glaring at me.

Unconsciously i started pacing the room, should I go visit them? Maybe I should just leave Forks all over again...No, i can't do that while Charlies this sick.  
And plus, I had to admit the fact that they were probably going to be the only family I have left.

Within a matter of seconds, I was in a pair of tight, skinny jeans that made my butt look nice and a white tank top.  
I threw a small leather sweater over it, slipped on my flats, grabbed my keys. And headed downstairs.

To my luck, Charlie had gone up stairs already to go to sleep. It would have been hard to explain myself to him.

So simply grabbed a piece of paper, and jabbed down a small amount of details where I would be.

_Dad,_

_I went to see Carlisle - I'll back before you know it _

_Love you. _

_Bella._

I still couldn't believe Charlie had kept my old piece of shit truck. I thought he just sold it or something. But it was still there almost like I had never left  
here, like nothing in the passed five years had happened - and it was just a regular morning.

The car started with a loud roar and i wouldn't be surprised if it woke Charlie...and everyone else on this block.

I quickly reversed it and drove off, not knowing at all what I was getting myself into.

I suppose this was the new Bella. I no longer cared about anyone's reaction to my actions. I didn't care that i was obviously intruding on them.  
All i cared about right now, was that I got to see my family.

Carlisle's words hung deep in the back of my mind. Engraving themselves behind my eyelids.

Edward was just a minor setback to my whole plan. I had no idea how I would react when I saw him for the first time in years.  
But luckily for me I had become good at lying, so I could play off my feelings for him. - _or I could at least try._

_

* * *

_When I pulled up into there driveway, I felt the tightening in my chest and stomach and the annoying, burning feeling that you're about to throw up your heart.  
Seeing this beautiful house was a painful memory. Too much resides here, and it was currently eating me alive.

I swallowed nervously, and put on a brave face. But a sudden, loud tap at my window made me scream.

"BELLA!" Emmett's loud voice boomed.

He threw open my door - cracking it in several places, and grabbed me into a tight hug.

I couldn't speak, and I could already feel tears streaming down my face. But I hugged him back as tightly as I could.  
until it felt like he was about to pop one of my lungs.

"Emmett..can't ...BREATH!" I managed to choke out, and his loud laugh made me feel more at home then I had in a long time.

"I missed you so much Emmett, my God it's not even funny"

He smiled, and nodded his head excitedly " Me too, it's been WAY to long"

I guess he was waiting for my reply - but I couldn't stop staring at him. It wasn't just the fact that I had missed him terribly.  
But he was the most gorgeous man I've seen since..well the last time I've seen all of them.

I had completely forgotten what it was like to be in the presence of a vampire.

In one sudden movement, too quick for my eyes to catch. Emmett grabbed my hand and was hauling me towards the house, screaming "ALICE" the whole way.

* * *

**_you're in luck - I got stuck at my grandmas house this whole weekend.  
That's how I'm able to update so much._**

**_Don't expect that in the future ;p  
_**


	6. Never too late

_Thanks for all the reviews, more are always welcomed . (:  
Well, I'm in school right now - utterly fucking bored, so I thought I'd make a chapter._

_This isn't the full reunion, obviously there's more to it. But I'll post the rest of it later.. Sometime this week, promise :D _

_AND if you didn't guess - the No one's point of view, is of Edward - in case the obvious escaped you ;p  
_

* * *

I walked inside the large, white mansion and it looked exacly the same. Still beautiful, like a painting of a place angels should live.  
Immediately; Carlisle and Esme appeared wearing, huge bright smiles and wrapped me in a hug substantially less painful then Emmett's.

"Oh, God Bella we've missed you so much" Esme laughed softly, releasing me.

"We really did" Carlisle said, laughing "It's just so nice to have you back"

I sighed "It's nice to be back, You have no idea, how much I missed you guys too." I opened my mouth, but before i could speak, I heard a loud, ear piercing shrill.

"BELLA !" Alice's tiny frame bounded down the stairs - I ran to her, i didn't care that i looked like idiot with a massive goofy grin on my face.  
All i cared about _now_, was this little evil pixie.

"Alice, Oh my God!" words uttered freely from my mouth, i couldn't control them "Alice i missed you so much; more than you would ever know I promise while  
I'm here I'll go shopping with you willingly for hours without complaining, we can do a ton of crap that i use to always say 'no' to."

It occurred to me that me and Alice were both blabbering at the same time. "-and we can go to parties and I have to make up for all the lost time,  
It's crazy, oh; and we can have a girls night, _every_ night"

I saw Jasper in the corner of my eye, and the smile disappeared off his face, into a small but very visible frown once Alice said 'girls night, every night'  
Realization dawned on me, and I laughed.

Jasper, surprisingly like everyone else pulled me into a tight hug, and everyone gasped.

"What?" he said defensively. "A brother can't say hi to his little sister, who he hasn't seen is years?"

I giggled, and hugged him back.

Being back with my family, was better than any high I've ever had, this was like a pure bliss.  
I had almost forgotten what it was like to be happy, content. And here I felt like i belonged. And that's the best feeling in the world.

**No ones point of view.- this story is all in Bella's POV. Unless i change my mind later on; but i decided to do this to capture  
a moment that Bella's not there for, hence "no ones point of view"**

_This world will never be, what i expected. And if i don't belong, who would have guessed it?_

The man who played the role, in Bella's dreams for the past five years, was slowly emerging out of the forest walls.  
Approaching a place he called 'home', though deep inside him, it was not.

Home was where he could see his love once again.

_No one will ever see, what i harbor. No one will see the pain that i hide. because i say im fine, but deep inside i want to die. _

He walked in a daze, until he breathed in a loud gust of air - his head snapped up and he halted to a sudden stop.  
His body, frozen.

_And even if i say, i want to end my life, all i need inside - is too be by your side. Can't you see the lies? Or are you just too blind._

He breathed in again, the sheer pain and longing for this scent was orgasmic. A scent he left behind long ago.  
He kept breathing in, the agonizing fire erupting in his throat was heaven.

_Bella, _The man thought, lovingly. _ I've missed you. _


	7. The truth about forever

**No one's point of view.**

As Edward ran at his full speed back to the house, he hadn't caught the glimpse of a large figure blocking his way, so instead he knocked into it  
bouncing off the person - and landing on his ass.

"What the? --" Edward said, knocked out if his revere.

"You can't go in there" A familiar voice said, sternly.

"Emmett! Bella ! - she's in there. How is she? You have to let me see her"

The large man shook his head a look of pure determination on his face. While Emmett had only good intentions on sparing the feelings of his little sister  
Edward wanted nothing more than to grovel at her feet - he wanted to get back the love he had once renounced.

"Edward, she's happy right now. Let her be; you'll only make her run off"

The piercing truth of his words stabbed through Edward's heart, but yet he still couldn't resist what his whole body and soul desired.  
Every bone in him was dancing with joy his every limb was sparked in flames, and a feeling that he could not place flew through him. He decided to call the feeling  
Happiness. For he had not felt it for over five years.

"Emmett? Are you out here?" A beautiful angelic voice called.

It was her voice, Bella's. Emmett watched Edward's face go from desperation to pure adoration.  
Bella soon saw Edward's figure, stiff as stone as he stared at her his whole body crumpled and he dropped to his knees.

* * *

It took me all of five minutes to notice Emmett's sudden disappearance.  
I walked outside wondrously, and mostly content. The whole family had taken me in there arms happily, they did not judge me on my past. In fact they actually  
_praised_ me for getting myself back together.

They knew perfectly well I was a twenty three year old, broke, ex- drug addict. And surprisingly they still loved me.

"Emmett? Are you out here?" I called out.

But suddenly , I stopped dead in my tracks - something felt so strange inside me. The tightening up of my chest, made me incapable of moving.  
Was i simply being paranoid? The sudden adjustment that my eyes made to the dark, made me aware I was _so not _being paranoid.

There stood Edward Cullen - staring at me like a was a damn alien.

And abruptly he crumpled to his knees, staring helplessly at me. Like a lost little boy in a super market who just found his mother.

"Bella" He whispered, hoarsely. I had to say my dreams of him did no justice. he was more perfect and more beautiful than I had remembered.  
He looked like a true angel, even in the clothes he wore - a tattered white shirt and loose stained jeans.

His eyes were pitch black. With blue, black circles around them. And yet including all that - he still looked like a God.

I bit my lip, contemplating what I should do. Without a doubt the old Bella would have fallen into his arms - weeping. Begging for him to take me back.  
But the new Bella, was not that weak girl. I had been through enough to grow some thick skin - I had been beat up physically, mentally, verbally.

I've fucked, I've stolen, I spent weeks in jail, I've been disowned by my own mother. And yet what he did hurt me the most of all, now that's pathetic.

"Hello, Edward" I finally managed to say. He looked at me like I had just spoken a foreign language.

"Bella, love. I can't believe you're here. I've missed you so much. I --" His voice broke and faltered.  
Immediately, he jumped to his feet, and glided towards me, looking dazed and confused.

I stared hard at his face as he lifted his left hand to caress my cheek. Involuntarily I felt a warm blush spread, where his cold fingers pressed.

His mouth opened, then closed. He repeated this same process twice over before words finally came out.

"I made the biggest mistake leaving you, i thought it would make your life better. But, I only made things worse. I was so stupid, so idiotic  
to lie to you. I love you and I'll never forgive myself, but you have to know. I was thinking of you - every minute of everyday while I was gone"

Traitor tears made there way down my cheeks, and my first reaction was to slap his hand away. As i did so, his face portrayed all pain I felt when  
he abandoned me - well he didn't necessarily _abandon _me - more or less dumped my ass in the middle of a drenched, dark forest.

But all the same, it still hurt.

I backed slowly away from him. Unable to pull off the charade i was hoping,

"I can't believe you!" I screeched, my voice was shaky and i felt on the verge of fainting. "How dare you tell me you _love me _, Because of  
you my life is ruined! You fucking bastard!"

Before thinking, i smacked him hard across the face. Obviously, he didn't even flinch. But my right hand was now in writhling agony .

I fell to my knees, and covered my face with my hands - I would not let him see me cry over him, i wanted to keep my remaining dignity.

"You broke my heart" I whispered, tears still flowing freely from my eyes.

I didn't even want to think of how pathetic I seemed at this moment. It was too embarrassing of a thought.  
_This is what you get for just showing up here, you should have known better. Idiot. _I scolded myself, angrily.

Edward knelt in front of me, his face looked like he was in pure misery.

_Good, _I thought _He should feel like shit._

_No, _the other side of me argued. _How could I have ever expected him to love me? I'm nothing special._

_So? no ones truly special. You deserve better than to be screwed over by a fucking vampire. _

_Just shut up will you? _I yelled loudly, at my thoughts. This was just yet another indication that i was loosing my mind.

"Bella, I 'am so sorry for everything I put you through. I had good intentions I swear. I didn't think you would -" Again, his voice faltered and  
after a few quiet seconds he finished his sentence.

"...i just didn't think that would end up happening. I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy human life. A life like that couldn't include me.  
I was always causing danger and mayhem around you. And i love you to damn much to loose you that way. So i left, I hope one day...you could forgive me.. Or at the  
least understand where im coming from and why I did what I did. But - i never did stop loving you nor will I ever"

I couldn't lie, his words filled me with pure happiness, and for a second I was just floating in it.  
I knew I had just allowed myself to easily be broken again, Edward removed the hard layer i shielded myself in, easily.

I was puddy in his words, and hands. I had just let my guard down for a simple second and already I belonged to him again  
Body, mind and soul.

* * *

**Sorry for all grammatical errors.  
As you know, I think reviews are lovely. So leave some ;P**

**i wrote a Christmas chapter for all of you so enjoy it, kids. **

**(:  
**


	8. good to have you back

**Bella's point of view.**

"Is your hand alright?" Emmett asked, his lips pressed together tightly, trying to suppress laughs .

"Oh, just freaking laugh, Emmett. you're no good at hiding it any - " before I could even finish the sentence, Emmett's booming laugh shook  
my cars entire frame.

"I can't believe you hit him, i mean i would have too, but did you forget?" he paused to chuckle some more "we're damn vampires Bella"

"I was _pissed _, i still am, Emmett so if you want to keep that new shiny motorcycle of yours spick and span you better, watch out. because i may not  
be able to kick your ass, but i CAN ruin your bike."

His laughter stopped immediately, "please, no. I'm sorry"

He looked over at me pleadingly.

"apology accepted" I said, smiling at him.

"wow, Bells. you're feisty now. _i like it_"

At that moment we pulled into Charlie's driveway, and before i could reach the handle, my door was opened for me.

"that'll take some getting use to" I whispered, slightly dazed.

"what?" Emmett asked, seeming barely interested.

"I forgot how fast you guys are, it's sort of creepy"

The sun was just starting to rise, and i felt oddly secure and happy. I was _home. _And had gotten my family back. - well, for the most part. Edward and I's weird  
encounter was a slight downfall. And since i totally left him in the dust today, i was pretty sure he wouldn't be to thrilled to see me when i came over, again.

"Can you believe it's been five years?" Emmett said, suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"Like with all that's happened in these few years, it makes it seem like it's been way longer."

"You're right, i can't believe i'm so old, now" I said mostly to myself, i was almost twenty-four now.

"seriously, you're like...ancient. i can't believe your still walking and everything" Emmett, mocked. Smirking at me.

"Oh, shut up"

He laughed, and stopped walking when we reached the front i silently unlocked and opened it; i turned back, reaching up on my tippy toes i embraced him in  
a tight hug. "thank you, Emmett. for everything."

He smiled down at me, his eyes holding mine. "No problem, it's just good to have you back"

* * *

**i know it's been a LONG time since in update, & this is sort of short.  
but i'll be trying to squeeze in some time for another chapter, **

**:D t****hanks for hanging in there. **


	9. its been a long time now

_It's been so long i've touched this story, it's CREEPY_

* * *

"No, no, no" Alice turned her head from my feet and the large six inch heels she had plastered on me to the worker who was very obviously annoyed with her "Don't you have anything black? Or with more spice to them?"

"These are black" The girl, snapped and Alice shook her head ruefully.

"Those" She pointed a porcelain, white finger "Are _not_ black that is a very dark shade of blue. I mean onyx, a real black ...something smoldering and hot!"

Two minutes later the same girl came again, she was tall and skinny. Her name tag said Lucy and her eyebrows were shaven off and drawn on with a black liner that arched far too high.

"These?"

Alice again shook her head "Too short."

"How about these? There black, five inches?"

"Those straps are hideous"

"No strap, black, six inches"

"I love em, but do you have them in red maybe?"

This went on for a good hour before I grabed Alice's hand and forced her with all my strenght to the exit. I was carrying six bags and Alice was carrying godly amounts herself all the way to her Porsh. My feet hurt and my head was pounding from my ears to my neck. I just want a cigarette.

"I can't believe you took my shopping habits for so long Bella. That's record timing. Five hours. You usually can't stand one." Alice's chipper voice and ridiculous way of twirling through the streets without a care brought a smile to my face and a swarm of warmness and good thoughts.

"This was actually really fun. But humans do need to eat." I said this while dimly noticing the man getting into his car next to us gave me an odd glance and then gave Alice in even odder one. She waved happily at him and smiled her wonderous, white smile. His mouth gaped.

_A few hours later back at the Cullens house. Alice's room._

My hair had gone through Alice's torture of highlights, washing, brushing, blowdrying...Now it was what shirt what pants or what dress would look best and she settled on a beautiful blue strapless dress that hugged my hips and now...the biggest torture of all, which shoes.

Emmett was an innocent by standerd to it all... I had really began to like him more then I ever thought possible. I didn't think it was in a sexual way...but he was comforting, funny, understanding. All the things I happened to need.

"These?"

"Ohh" Emmet said cooingly "Those are sexy"

"Alice" I said under my breath knowing full well they could both hear "I'm in a house, for what reason do I need to stumble around in FIVE inch heels?"

She scoffed as if the answer was so obvious a child could have guessed it "Give me five reasons not to and while your thinking about it i will give you 50 facts and why you should."

I rolled my eyes but said nothing. "You can never win with Alice" Jasper's figure suddenly in the hall way "Learned that _a long_ time ago"

Alice stared at him lovingly but her smile was a smirk "See? Even Jasper knows. There's no military strategy that can keep me out of your wardrobe. It's an impossibilty"

"I'll second that, I found a pink tux in my closet the other day and I _swear_ it's not mine" Emmet laughed at his own statment and starting spinning fastly in one of Alice's rolly chairs.

I suddenly felt a bit deflated. Alice and Jasper were lucky. They had there exact counterparts..Jasper's cunning wit, humor and pure unyeilding adoration to Alice and of course her honesty, giddyness and child like wonder for things made them more then perfect for each other.

I was more then positive I could be less than perfect to anyone. Silly, clumsy, over analytical, senseless...


	10. about time eh?

_I truly want to get around to finishing this story but with my babygirl growing up so fast (talking and walking now :DD, shes a little angel) with work and finishing some college classes im busy most of the time. I recieved many beautiful messages and comments asking to complete the story giving me support and good vibes and to that i' am forever in your gratitude! Thank you all._

_ps. i apologize for grammatical errors (this is all done mostly by phone in random places like the metro and such) this chapter will be for Rosalie and how I havent gotten around to naming her where-abouts and why's and such. Please enjoy! i am open to ideas as well!_

_pps. "bella is nothing like this" DUH, its a fictional story i'm molding to a sudden idea I had, this is "fanfiction" she's not bound to be the exact persona she was in the books. Would that not defeat the whole purpose of this site? _

* * *

It was hours after Alice had dolled me up to her idea of perfection that I was let free like a mouse in a trap. I decided to make a quick escape to the backyard and sit hidden behind the tall outside fireplace to light a quick cigarette and chant calming words in my head. I still wasn't one who enjoyed the center of attention, nor being plucked, pulled and eyed at like i was under a microscope

"Ya know" Emmetts voice startled me to the point of throwing my ciggarette across the open grass space leading to the forest and looking up at him with guilty eyes "most people think it takes twenty years for your lungs to fill up with black cancerous liquid but really it can happen in a year"

He was giving me the most sarcastic glare I had ever seen and his eyes were dancing in his own amusment. He bent down and sat next to me, i pressed my back against the wall again trying to shake the fear and gnawing smile tugging at my lips.

"Emmett I can feel your look" And I could, I could feel him smiling at me like he'd enjoy catching me doing something "bad" much more than any normal person should. Than again Emmett wasn't perscicely _normal. _He was strange, child-like, beautiful, funny, ...so incredibly lovable. I caught myself quickly on this praising rant and thanked whatever god there was that Emmett (nor anyone) could read my mind.

"What happened to Rosalie?" It was suppose to be a thought at first, one of which I could pawn over (maybe ask Alice about) but instead it blurted between my lips like a little kid with no self-control

I looked at Emmett nervously but he shrugged not exactly catching my eyes "She wanted something I couldn't give her..."

"What do you mean?" after a long pause "Sorry if I'm prying Emmett...It's not my business"

I glanced to him to find him staring "Rosalie..though we love each other...it didn't..." He seemed to be having trouble explaining so he he started using his fingers to demonstrate whatever happened between them by mushing in hands together "We didn't..you know..match exactly. She wanted too many different things, that I didn't. I like simplicity but Rosalie needs extravagence and luxury and I just didn't want that. So we decided it would be best if we went our seperate ways but kept in touch and all"

"You make it sound easy" I said with some envy, if I could have managed that with Edward maybe I wouldn't have such a resentment towards him and what we had. It still hurt to say it _"Had" _But I guess Charlie was right when he told me love wasn't meant to last forever "_there the quick spark in the universe that reminds us there is something much greater than ourselves lurking out there"_

Charlie, I thought with a nostalgic love, he was so much wiser than I gave him credit for.

"Would you take me home, Emmett?..I need to see my dad"

He smiled and nodded enthusiatically "Today we ride the motorcylce"

He ran faster than i could possibly follow and I could hear an echo of his laugh along the way. He knew this wouldn't sit exactly well for me, riding a motorcycle with Emmett gave me the same feeling in the pit of my stomach like the first time i rode splash mountain as a kid.

* * *

Bella might deny it to the day she dies but the sudden image that took motion in her head of her straddling Emmett with her hands wrapped around his waist gave her somewhat of a shiver with a nervous excitment and intoxication...

This wasn't good she thought and to even further the extent of what was building around them...Emmett felt the same shiver climb up his body as he steadied his weight on the bike waiting to feel Bellas tiny body snake around him . . .


	11. The only moment we were alone

**third view perspective**

Bella had to admit, the motorcycle was more fun than she'd had in awhile and walking up to Charlie's she had continued to have this silly, happy smile on her bright face regardless of having to yell at Emmett a few times for swerving them nearly off a dirt road for his own amusment

"Oh cmon!" Emmett said, "You were never in any _real_ danger"

Bella rolled her eyes but smiled at him while unlocking the front door and stepping inside

* * *

"Dad?" I called out, silence answered me back and immediatley my heart inflated with fear...I walked quickly from room to room. Kitchen, empty...Living room..

"Sue" I realized with surprise. Sue was sitting on the couch with Charlie's sleeping head in her lap and a quiet football game on.

"Hello Bella" Sue looked from me to Emmet and squared her shoulders, stiffened her lips and narrowed her eyes...looking at him like she was go for a fight.

"Uh...er. Sue this is Emmett"

"Vampire" She said matter of factly. I knew she knew as much as I did or maybe more about all that went on in the tiny town of Forks so i didn't exactly realize why she seemed to stunned to see one. I guess stunned to see one with _me. _

"Since 1935" Emmett winked and flopped onto the couch rather gracefully for his size and turned his attention to the t.v screen. I couldn't help the giggle arising in my throat at the way Sue took in his shockingly cavalier behavior.

Charlie began to stir awake and I found myself on my knees next to him "hey dad, how are you feeling?"

He smiled and sat up and I knew he could feel the tension coming from Sue then he glanced to his chair next to th t.v and saw Emmett who turned his head and smiled one of his big, warm Emmett smiles that got my heart racing a bit.

"Charlie!" He got up and shook his hand, I took into notice the grimace Sue made at this and couldn't help but feel annoyed by her. "How've you been?"

Charlie laughed a bit and said his "I'm good" and his "No, really, I'm fine" No matter how much I wanted to take care of him, Charlie was like me...He would not be babied for any of his own distresses and would (like he did to me) get snappy if you didn't let him be.

"Hey you two kids want to go down to the reservation? I wanted to go see Billy later tonight but you kids can hang at the beach or something"

Even though this seemed like what could be nice, this was one place Emmet was not allowed to go and everyone here knew it..everyone besides Charlie. I sighed hoping Sue would just keep that horrified expression on her face and keep her mouth closed.

Emmett stepped in with a what I could tell as a bit of a nervous chuckle "Sounds good Charlie but I already asked your lovely daughter out on a date tonight"

My mind did a double take while Charlie _praised _Emmett with a "good for you! Taking my girl somewhere nice?"

I seemed to have obviously slipped into the wall because no one had looked at me, asked me a thing, or took into notice my; what I could feel would be a clearly shocked expression.

"You bet but i'm surprising her" Emmett than leaned down and whispered something to Charlie and Charlie laughed and patted Emmett's shoulder affectionatley

"That sounds like Bella's kinda place" Charlie nodded enthusiatically than whispered to Sue who faked a smile and was obviously to me, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Well" I cleared my throat "as much as i enjoy you guys talking about me like i'm not here -"

I didn't have to time to finish my sarcastic remark before Charlie doubled over in pain and began coughing blood into his sleeve. I ran to him instictivley and rubbed soothing circles in his back

"Dad,"

"No, no no Bells I'm fine. I'm fine"

I felt exasperated and something than inside me slightly cracked and I snapped "No. you're. not. fine why can't you let me help you. I'm your daughter! Shit dad I know you don't like looking weak but your in no place to fend for yourself.."

He eyed Sue for his defense "Sue helps-"

"Sue's not your family! I' am!"

Charlie flinched and I sighed annoyed with myself, with everyone and everything

"I'm sorry dad" I rubbed my temples, closed my eyes and invisioned a simple life. Emmett was right, simple _is _good.

"It's okay Bells, you have every right to be ... frustrated. I don't want to burden you-"

At this I rolled my eyes "Dad you burdened me when you wouldn't let me cook and demaded we ordered pizza every night, this...this isn't a burden, this is what people _just do _for one another.. and you look on the verge of passing out, i'll take you to your bedroom"

I grabbed Charlie's arm and put it around my shoulder, leading him up the stairs with Sue following silently. His room smelled like the light cologne he'd wear and soap, it wasn't messy but never clean either. I laid Charlie down with a huff and he seemed to be asleep before his head hit the pillow.

For a moment he looked like he had died, so still and lifeless. Than I began to see the steady rise and fall of his chest...the light snore, some flush in his pale cheeks. I smiled at him, and hoped with whatever luck I could possibly have left that he could feel no pain and just be happy.

**v A/N This part if you're a fan of Billie Holiday - "ill be seeing you". seemed to go with the feel i was looking to get here. v**

I wondered over to my room after a few minutes I vaguely noticed Emmett looking through my bookshelf curiously. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. My dad is going to die soon and there is nothing...nothing in this world I could possibly do to spare his child like soul, I was going to loose him it was inevitable and what would I do with my self afterward?

Quiet tears began to fall and I felt lucky I was here with Emmett. Emmett wasn't pushy or demanding or awkward when it came to stressful situations he was just...there.

I barley heard Emmet lean down infront of me and grab my hands and pulled them down by his chest, he lightly ran his hand under my chin and smiled softly at me. I sucked in a breath at his loving gesture...not sure how to react

Emmett did it all for me though.. He pulled me up to him and wrapped his arms around my waist and began to sway lightly. My heart embraced this and I leaned into him and rested my head on him, swayed with his choosen slow rhythm.

When was the last time I slow danced with a man? I knew. At my wedding. It didn't feel this way though. I felt tingles...I hadn't felt these tingles in years.

Regardless of everything going on in one fast cosmic spin, there was a content smile on my lips.

* * *

**getting this story going again was easier than i thought. probably finish by the ending of next week :)  
hope you enjoy the read! **


	12. an

Hey guys just an authors nooote

Cap'n Jazz - Basils kite makes me think of Edwards feelings to Bella in the actual Twilight book especially if you read Stephanie Meyer's online draft of Midnight Sun. :p hope you like em


	13. revelations

As Emmett jumped from Bellas window he thought, for the first time in horror ..What would Edward do if he figured out he laid in bed with the love of his life and talked to her until she feel asleep in his arms?

Emmett was already prepared to control his thoughts

_I will not think of Bella _he chanted _Edwards my brother_

Emmett if was anything, loyal and protective. One thing that made Edward feel very close to Emmett, he was amongst the first to be completley okay with Edward's sudden obsession with (what seemed at the time) just an ordianry human girl. Emmett was carefree and understanding so he couldn't really reel himself in on the fact that all those things he was, really didn't matter now that Bella was what he wanted.

Its not like i kissed her or had sex with her, Emmett a tad wild up in a fantasy had immediatley scolded himself. If Edward were in his mind, he would surley want to fight and Emmett wasn't prepared to really fight his brother, actually have to hurt him. It didn't seem right.

They loved one another as brothers and close siblings do. Edward felt the least guilty in knowing the most inner workings of Emmett's mind with Edwards "gift" maybe a curse to him sometimes had the ability to know everyone in the most darkest of ways but Emmett rarley thought something he would not say or put into motion somehow and his mind highlighted with sarcarsm and genuine amusment for things which Edward guessed kept him from being bitter like the most of us.

Alice was a happy, crazy exception..

And Alice had to been seeing some kinds of visions of Bella and him. This made him nervous, Edward and Alice were close...that was his baby sister and they watched out for each others secrets being they both had such strange, difficult and over bearing senses that made them more keen and more advanced than any other normal vampire who alone is almost industructable. It didn't matter, Edward was going to find out and he would be furious. Emmett wasn't afraid of his brother but hated the idea of being such an asshole, Emmett couldn't believe he had to get this sudden pull and attraction to Bella that never existed before. Sure she was always appealing, always funny to watch but now running far down past Seattle, running past his home, running from what he knew he wouldn't be able to do forever-running from his family from Bella..

...

When Emmett returned home dusk the next day he could hear Bella at the house before they knew of his return and his eyes raised up to the sky, cursing fate. He had to be in careful touch with his thoughts, his emotions.

Shouldn't be too hard, not for Emmett except he never did this and so everyone would know he was hiding something.

After Emmett walked in and wqs greeted cautiously. Esme was worry stricken of course and held onto Emmett for dear life once he came inside. Alice had seen this and told her family not to fret over his sudden absence. But Esme was a mother and it was what she was best at.

Bella had seen him just last night and could remember the feeling of falling asleep in his arms so safe, so secure. She was oblivious to what had happened, but the night before had made a slight change for the both of them. Something that only Jasper could probably pick up from Bella..as her thoughts were protected, her feelings were exposed.

Did they expose her to her sudden passion for Emmett? Bella quickly began to worry her lip.

...

Emmett stared after Bella as she sat looking in a dazed worry...biting at her lip like she always did when something troubled her and for a split moment and without even thinking of the consequences of that one fond look could possibly do as Jasper felt the attraction and passion radiating off him like too many sprits of a spanish cologne.

Jasper eyed Emmett with a mourningful look and Emmett was immedialtey on the defensive

"Emmett.." Jasper started but suddenly Emmett gave a warning glance...Strange for Jasper to see this look on someone with a soul like Emmetts he was all jokes but if you got to know him well enough, pick up his habits the way he thinks you'd realize how good Emmett actually was.

But Emmett couldn't talk about this, he wasn't even suppose to think it. He mentally cursed himself and grew nostalgic for something he wasn't even sure existed. Jasper would be in control of his thoughts to his new found discovery, he did not want to purposfully expose his clearly troubled brother. Emotions are not ours to control and Jasper knew this better than anyone considering he had the ability to make you feel however it is he desires. This made him tread carefully around other peoples emotions test them and analyze them before he ever made a final desicion on how to go about them. Usually they were left ignored. However this was different this could break apart his family if Edward leaves Carlisle and Esme will never be the same. It was clear the companionship Carlisle and Edward had, Carlisle was given a friend when he had been alone for centuries..more so he got a son and he loved him as such and he was loved and admired greatly in return. You could say they saved each other in sense but in all the ways a person could be saved. Edward literally, Carlisle emotionally. Edward was Esme's first son for all maternal terms, she felt protective and very strongly worried over Edward. It would bring them great pain if he left and after Rosalie gone, if Emmett left the house would be in an almost dreary sad..a boring hole in the wall. It was no good, we all needed each other, it was how we stayed sane and the most happy in this eternal exitence in which you are no longer apart of the flow of the world more so the role of bystander..and on looker, a observer, a monster, a beautiful terrifing nightmare.

They knew eachothers secrets and were still all in love with one another. If they seperated, it would leave a spasm of pain that would not heal. Once a vampire grows so accustom to a life, it never fades from behind the eyelids.

Jasper always knew Bella was trouble. He didn't feel resentment towards her, persay. Bella was easy to grow fond of and with Alice so madly in love with her it was hard for Jasper not to feel the same way. But he was beginning to wonder, if his family was worth the strange obsession over a human?

One who was going to die in such short years, one who would frail and whither away...

* * *

_okay so, not much going on this chapter...it was more about revelations. Emmett and Bella suddenly realize the impact that there realationship could cause. I know I haven't mentioned Edward but he's out and about (still seeing his family) but avoiding Bella at all costs. _

_hope you enjoyed the read mates! Have a good new year!_


	14. lost feeling

Edward hated his solitude but couldn't seem to find a way out of it. Bella was everywhere now to him and it was what felt like- literally killing him. Guilt and regret racked up his body, licked at his veins, consumed him. He had seen the way Emmett had been looking after her like a boy who finally found his mother in a mall but Edward couldn't place the way he felt about it. He couldn't feel angry at his brother whom love and interest was purely genuine and not done so without much sadness and anger at himself. Edward was indifferent of everything. His Bella had changed, she was physically older now and so beautiful it broke Edward that he could not touch her anymore - not caress her cheeks, kiss her lips, feel her warmth and even worse she didn't look at him anymore. She didn't look up at him like she always did with those warm, beautiful eyes and blush, heart racing with love and desire. Bella casually as ever ignored him whenever their paths seldomnly crossed which had only been three times. Including her first visit.

Edward hung his head still ashamed at his desperate behavior but even more so devastated by Bella's words

_"You broke my heart" _

Edward had never seen Bella's face like that- it could have almost mirrored his own. A face of nostalgic agony.

Bella had grown as much as in inch or so and it gave her more of an hour-glass figure, looking a little more fuller in all the right ways. Her face hadn't changed much unless you were Edward - who had studied her face like no one else had. He knew it better than his own. Her lips were still a delicious looking pout, her eyes still that wonderstruck look of a copper brown that held you in your place her hair had fallen now to her hips instead... But more unnoticeably to the others, - Bellas translucent glow had somewhat dissapeard to Edward. She could have been a stranger with a new edge to her delicate, soft features. An edge of defiance, of strenght through expiernce that she never was even close to before.

Edward knew the most of Bella's secrets after tracking down her past without him once she returned. Daniel, he had looked into him too. The wealthy man she had wed in her last attempt for a family. He was a doctor but Edward also found out much to the scarring of his eyes that Daniel very much enjoyed the company of other men.

Edward had never thought Bella would ever _know _people who did drugs and yet Bella had fallen into a lot of gossip to listen into

_"beautiful girl she is too bad she can't stop snorting all that cocaine her nose will probably fall off when shes forty"_

_"Wonder if Bellas still alive..those pills oughta mess with your head"_

It all seemed very interesting to Edward. Bella and drugs? Bella and marriage and sex and drugs? Edward shook his head, he knew terrible things had happened to Bella and he couldn't even think it without clenching his fists and jaw and let the hate burn through him with a powerful urge to kill.

Bella had been raped, abused, beaten

Edward couldn't forgive himself for this. This was because of him and he knew it. The small gentle curves of worry had made it to Bella's face - the edge to her was the edge of caution and need for independence.

Edward didn't know this Bella and yet he probably knew her better than herself. All so strange and heart wrentching and yet Edward could still say a part of him was happy to have her in his sights once more even if she hated him.

But Bella didn't hate him and besides the infatuation and sudden loving fondness for Emmett, Bella was still in love with Edward and a part of Edward knew this too. Feelings so strong don't wash themselves out completley and he knew she could not be void of any emotion. This got him running. What if she loved me still? Edward thought with glittering hope in his darkened heart. He needed to talk to her, to see her and hopefully she will listen to him. This got him running to that same window he had jumped through thousands of times before..this got him running to her

* * *

Bella felt restless and when she heard a small, shy tap at her window her heart inflated with a fear indescibable. She knew somehow already who was on the outside and her breathing hitched and broke with nervoussness and yet with a sense of excitment too.

She glanced at herself quickly in the reflection of the mirrow and could see her eyes wide with worry.

"Edward?" She called so softly, still knowing he could hear.

She opened the window in the next second and saw his angel face as he sat balanced on the edge of a tree - staring at her with such a mix of emotions it was hard for Bella to read.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked, his voice as sweet as velvet. It shook Bellas core but she was still hesitant, unsure...

She swallowed hard and Edward given her silence took in her appearance for a breif moment with wanting. Her hair was an unruly waterfall down her hips she was wearing a white silk tanktop a bit too loose and one strap hung a little off her shoulder, Edward stared at show of skin and thought of placing a kiss there. Her eyes were widened and Edward guessed it was with nervous surprise.

"Come in" Her voice was soft and enticed Edward and he hated how out of control he was of his emotions around her.

Edward took a place sitting at the end of her bed as she leaned against the wall on the front side and stared at him - waiting for his reasons.

He suddenly felt silly. What the fuck was he to say "i love you" ? Bella had gotten furious when he said that before.

"Bella-" The name chilled them both with tingles. "If - if you dont want me to love you as a lover, let me love you as your friend. It's very hard for me to be away from you and i'm so sorry you have no idea how fucking sorry i' am for this.. .for all of this. You have to believe me when I thought you'd be better off ..' he stopped short that clenching anger filling him again.

Bella staying true to form as ever bit her lip, blushed and looked down.

Edward noticed this with a smile and unthinkingly touched his hand to her cheek and was rewarded with the catching of her sweet breath. "I always thought somewhere not far away from here i'd see you again...you spoke in everything to me while i was away..it wasn't _easy for me Bella"_


	15. Chapter 15

_half of my previous post got deleted. annoying_

**(continued)**

* * *

_"it wasn't easy for me Bella" _Bella almost wanted to roll her eyes for a minute there was still that defiance in her to accept any fond gensture from Edward as her misguided finger seemed to be pointing in the wrong place and as always - it was at herself. Bella never truly could blame Edward for it was never truly his fault. She could have been like any other girl who got dumped and eaten a lot, talked shit with girlfriends maybe even turn into a bit of a slut in hopes to boost her self esteem but no she hopped on that train and didn't even bother looking back.

"Bella I just need you to know ..how sorry I' am I wasn't there to protect you..." Edward's face and tone was so earnest and open it was a tad of a surprise to Bella. This was a new side of Edward she had never seen in this kind of light.

"Look" Bella said straighteneing herself up "I don't want to be your _burden ..." _Bella's voice grew softer as she continued "It's not your fault, I found myself in situations I couldn't handle and it's on me"

Bella being a mere age of her twenties couldn't understand or register the hollowness that just seeped into Edward's eyes. Bella's lack of anger and spite was almost as worse as her silence. As always she blamed herself, as always she left Edward off the hook which only drove him deeper to a feeling of quiet desperation. Behind hushed secrets and closed doors Edward would have come back and married Bella one day or if he wasn't so stubborn to change her she could have been a vampire already and her poor innocent soul could have been sparred of all its mistreatments.

_Too late, _Edward thought solemnly. Bella could never be his now. He feared this and know it seemed to real

"You've been anything but a burden" Edward thought aloud "if anything...just nervewracking" And the fact that she could always make him feel miserably hopeless. Edward left that part out though.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, Bella notcied with a small smile how she still knew him so well.. His perfect features, the way he did this whenever he felt guilty and annoyed with her.

He got up suddenly and looked directly in her eyes, much closer than she was used to and her heart rate creeped up and she hated how he could hear it and hated how all this made her cheeks turn a wonderful pink.

Edward's thoughts went somewhere very far in the back of his mind as he took in her blush with a smile and her thumping heart like it was enough to keep him alive..more alive than any human was.

His left hand reached out to her absent mindedly and went to touch the heat of her cheek and she turned away slightly...shame in her eyes? Edward couldn't understand

"Edward..I've done terrible things. I'm not who I was." She said this with such a strange mix of emotions..Edward had never heard before. A side of Bella filled with fear and anger "The girl you love doesn't exist anymore

The pain was immenent and Edward wanted to bash his face in the nearby wall. So clueless she still was...did she not know he knew everything?

Bella even though her fast paced ride through a crazy trip of sex and drugs made her become much wiser in conflicting emotions, in god and in loved ones. She was opened to perspectives and learned appreciation.

Bella no longer took things for granted but she still saw herself as meaningless as she did before.

Edward realized suddenly how she would always manage to mistake his gagging for a smile.

He could be truthful or try and spare her, either way she always ended up knowing her own version of truth and imprinting it onto Edward. She blamed herself, so she figured Edward would somehow and someway blame her as well.

"I know everything" Edward said truthfully

Bella's eyes widened as he continued to speak "And again, I don't care Bella. Things happen in life, have you ever killed someone? I have. I've ripped skin from bone before, i've murdered dozens of people, Bella. You are just deluded enough to mistake me for good..how you got that idea I'll never get"

Bella couldn't stop the rolling of her eyes this time. This arguement was still on the table apparently.

"That's your nature, it doesnt make you evil Edward"

"And it's human nature to lash out when they've been abandoned"

Her brown eyes turned into slits of accusation "I wasn't abandoned, more like dumped and I probably should have known better you've always been shitty at keeping promises"

Despite Edward's pain he smiled a bit. He remembered when he promised to explain everything after he saved her from Tyler's van and how he promised to never leave her.

He shook his head knowing she was recalling the same memories...

"Did you ever expect to get here" Edward said quietly, regardless of his knowledge and wisdom he had never forseen this moment and it shook him with an ironic laugh.

"No" Bella said firmly a glint of something in her eyes that made Edward stare...it was bright, hopeful even "but it's interesting way to get back...I've never regretted you or your family.. I'll always have this place in me for all of you"

Edward smiled a soft smile at her and for once in years he left warm and whole. It had been so long ago since he felt happy. .

"All I had was my hopes, I _hoped_ you could hear me whisper out your name thinking of you miles away, I _hoped _you knew my love for you... All this while anger and rage buried me.. I wished I could get drunk and pass out and sleep away the pain.

Now none of that matters" Edward seemed to be mostly talking to himself but Bella felt her heart inflate with a different feeling this time.

Bella reached for Edward's hand and much to his surprise placed it ontop of her left breast right where her heart beat and placed her hand atop where his should have been beating.

"They still beat the same" Bella smiled, an attempt to soften his wounds and make clear how she did not hate him or regret him. She could never.

Edward's breath caught in his thoat at her beautiful gesture and Bella heard it with some satisfaction.

They remained talking for most of the night sometimes sharing comfortable silences as Bella drifted to sleep Edward watched her with that same fascination. He couldn't help thinking that there was hope for them yet. The love was still there...the fire had not been put out with the gradual attrition of time or anger or regret.

But a little part of him wondered if he was the best that it was going to get for her. A part of him that always wondered...helplessly and ever more burning and determined that before...Wouldn't she be better off without her emotional ties to him?

He could never leave her again, he would always watch over her and would always look out for her. But it troubled him to anger to be so cold in comparison to her, to hear the beat of her heart, the warmth of her beautiful life...every breath made him go further and further away in his mind. So much like an angel, so alive and innocent. He wished for humanity knowing it would never come and the closest thing to it would be his death.


End file.
